


Die A Little

by wedtomymisery



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Mention of drugs and relapse, Other, Self-Harm, Trixie Mattel isn't really in this, kinda sad, writing this was lowkey therapeutic, yungblud - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-24
Updated: 2019-09-24
Packaged: 2020-10-27 18:12:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,074
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20764742
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wedtomymisery/pseuds/wedtomymisery
Summary: Just when life gets messed upJust when you can't turn backSometimes life gets like thatIt's my addiction-Yungblud





	Die A Little

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for taking the time to read this! It is very appreciated x

** _Just when life gets messed up_ **

** _ Just when you can't turn back._ **

** _Sometimes life gets like that._ **

** _ It's my addiction. _ **

Katya didn't know what to do. Her emotions were escaping her and she couldn't control them. Nothing was working for her. Smoking weed wasn't calming her down anymore, and she couldn't bear to relapse on meth. She'd tried too hard to ever go back there, and she couldn't let Trixie down like that. Katya hated disappointing her best friend. They had been friends for years, and Katya was pretty certain she was in love with her.

She sighed and tugged on her blonde hair. It was getting long, and it needed a trim but she was starting to like it this long. She knew Trixie liked her hair long. Katya wished she could kiss her, hold her all night long and wake up with her in the mornings. She longed for Trixie's touch. Katya had never really realised how lonely she was up until this moment. Sure, she had family that loved her, and a few friends that were important to her, but she felt that if she went missing, no one would really care. She was always the least special one out of her friendship group, she was always the one that had to walk behind when there wasn't enough room for her on the pavement.

Katya hated thinking like this. She had always tried to be positive, to make the best out of a bad situation. But when suicidal thoughts become normal and they don't scare you anymore, that's when you know you're in trouble.

Katya had always felt and experienced emotions in extremes. She was either too numb and too far away with the fairies to feel things, too lost in whatever drugs she was using to numb herself to feel things. Other times she was almost obsessive in her emotions. She loved feeling happy, and would do anything to keep that feeling. Katya never wanted it to leave. But eventually it would.

And that's when she started to cut herself. The only perk of being lonely and not having a lover was that she never had to show her body to anyone. She could destroy herself in all the ways she wanted and her friends and family would be none the wiser. No one knew about it. No one cared enough to ask her why she was always in long sleeves, why she never wore shorts even in the hottest weather, why she always flinched when someone touched her arms. No one had noticed, except Trixie. Katya had no idea that Trixie worried about her, and had her own suspicions about Katya's odd behaviour.

** _We are the lonely ones _ **

** _We are the lonely ones_ **

Trixie had seen the way Katya tugged at her sleeves and always had them clenched in her hands, but had thought that it was a side effect of her drug use. No matter how much Trixie had tried to comfort herself, she couldn't escape the feeling that something was wrong with her best friend.

You see, the thing is, Trixie was also in love with Katya. It wasn't love at first sight, the first time she saw Katya she had been overwhelmed by how gorgeous she was. They had met at a party that Kim Chi had hosted. They had hit it off amazingly and had been best friends ever since, but both of them had wanted more and were too scared to tell each other, in fear of ruinining the best friendship that either of them had ever had.

Katya was losing her mind, she just needed something to take the pain away, to distract her from her thoughts. She just wanted to be happy, but she knew she never truly would be. Katya was never destined to be happy. If there was a god she knew she must've done something to piss them off because her life had been so hard.

_ ** All you got to do is die a little, die a little** _

_ ** Die a little to survive** _

She desperately wished that Trixie was here with her, but she couldn't bring her down like that. Trixie deserved to be protected from all the shit that went on in her head. Katya was beyond worthless, she was fucking disgusting and she hated everything about herself. She was too pale, her nose was too big, her hands were too manly, her shoulders too broad. She loved too easily. There was infinite reasons to hate herself. This was the worst part, realising this. Remembering the feelings of intense self hatred that she had tried so hard to bury. Ever since she was a child these thoughts had haunted her.

She looked down at her arms. It had been at least 2 years since she had last taken a blade to her wrists and arms. The white lines there made her heart stutter. There was so many, with varying degrees of deepness. She had stopped cutting there in the hopes that once the scars had turned white, she'd get tattoos to cover them, and that she'd be happy. But she couldn't take going cold turkey with self harm so she had started on her thighs. Trixie would never go near her if she knew what state her legs were in. They were somehow worse than her wrists. There were cuts and scars everywhere. Her body matched her mind perfectly. Gross and fucking revolting.

She didn't know what to do. She wasn't going to start doing crystal meth again. It would be so easy. She knew where her old dealer would be at this time of night. But she had worked so hard to get here. To be clean. She was too tired for her other addiction. Katya had to be up for her job that she hated in a few hours, there wasn't time for her to take herself apart and then bandage herself back together. She went into her dark bedroom and fell onto bed with her clothes still on. Sleeping with daytime clothes on didn't bother her, Katya hasn't cared about anything like that for months now.

She finally cried herself to sleep, the familiar feeling of tears running down her face the only comforting her. Hopefully she could see Trixie tomorrow.

_ ** All you got to do is cry a little, cry a little** _

_ ** Cry a little to be fine ** _

_ **Help me figure out my mind** _

**Author's Note:**

> If there's anything I can approve upon, or anything I've spelt wrong, please let me know! And thank you for your time! Don't feel like you have to comment x


End file.
